Masonic Humor

Q: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: After much research, this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

  • 2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
  • 1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
  • 3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
  • 2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use. 
  • 3 to argue about it.
  • 5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
  • 2 to complain that, "that's not the way we did it before."
  • 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
  • 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

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 Ballot

Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls?
A. Electile dysfunction.

 King Solomon’s Temple

Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?
A. On the side of his head.

Masonic Knock-Knock
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy date for Freemasonry.

 Masonic Terrorists

Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation?
A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.

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A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake).

After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.

His interviewer replied, "I will halve it and you begin."

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It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at least once a month they would always hear this stomping from above.
One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek.
After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!"
When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW.'
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A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn′t you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said... "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"
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Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".
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A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
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A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his  bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.  Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

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Q. How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 
A. Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in a light bulb.
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Three Worshipful Masters met and were talking over conditions at their Lodges.

The first Master said, "You know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my Lodge. I've tried everything - noise, cat's spray - nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Master said, "Yeah, my Lodge too. There are hundreds of them living in the Lodge basement. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far."

The third Master said, "I've had the same problem. So I initiated all mine and made them members of the Lodge. Haven't seen one of them since."

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One day a man goes shooting with some friends, he is given a dog for the day and told that it is a very inexperienced dog but is very willing and will do anything it is told.  Its name was Entered Apprentice.

 A few years later the same man went shooting again and asked for

Entered Apprentice again, he was told that as the dog was older, with more experience its name had been changed, it was still a very good dog, not as quick as it used to be but knew what it was doing. Its new name was Master Mason.

 A few years later still the man returns and again asks for Master Mason, this time he was told the dogs name had been changed to Past Master but it was no longer a working dog as all it did all day was sit around barking. 

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One night (a long time ago in a jurisdiction far, far, away) a brother was heading home after indulging a bit too much at the festive board after his lodge meeting.

He was weaving a little across the path, steadying himself against the lamp-posts.

A concerned policeman saw him, and walked over.

"Well sir, where are we going at this time of night, eh?" he asked.

The brother replied "I, officer, am going to a lecture on Masonry!"

Bemused, the policeman asked, "And just where are you going to hear a lecture on Masonry at this time of night?"

The brother replied, "From my wife!!!"

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